Little else to do while on hold for 20 minutes with DJI (nothing like hearing you have a 2 minute wait-time for a half an hour - LOL) so I figured I'd update everyone on the remarkable service from Advexure...
The founder and CEO of Advexure, Travis, wrote me on Sunday and called me first thing this morning to talk me through everything. Considering all the proof I have, I felt comfortable enough to purchase another phantom hoping I get a 100% replacement from DJI. The truth is, I have little choice here since I actually have shoots lined up and some pretty incredible trips with my Delorean Time Machine (on a freaking battleship in a couple of months) and I can't be without that drone.
Now, am I worried this will happen again? Judging from the boards, no. It seems I got the rare lemon that is to be expected in a mass produced product. However I will say to anyone experiencing the "jello" I showed in the following video:
...simply while hovering? Contact DJI immediately. It's a sign that something is off-balance with your motors and not something as simple as your horizon being level. Don't sit in the sky trying to troubleshoot it like I did. I feel extremely fortunate no one was hurt or no property was damaged.
I'll update once there's more information. Thanks to everyone who helped me troubleshoot during my 3rd, 4th and 5th stages of grief.