Help for non-Aussies in understanding Aussies

[morph000]

I know - we're a funny lot and people (especially tourists) can have trouble getting a handle on us so I thought I'd post this to help you all :mrgreen:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of (drone owning)vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

[SteveMann]

Best LOL all week.

 

[Rustynuts]

Spoken like a true Bogan.... :lol:

 

[un hombre]

Ha ha, good laugh

 

[steveeds]

Wife and I took the trip to the Gold Coast (as most do) we landed into an oven, that was different we thought, but nice.
Took a bus to the motel complex and found we had a room by the pool, that was nice.

Next day we went walking to Pacific Fair, a small 15 minute walk, we stopped at the little river on the way where I sat down on the grass, that was very nice.

A cliche man walks past us doing a gentle policemans gate, with the khaki clothes and a hat with corks on string (yes true), a dog and a long stick as expected, I said "nice day for it mate, so watchca you doing". He replies "checking for crocs"

I laughed, he carried on, "they come up this far ya know", I didn't know but by then my arm was hurting so much I didn't care, it turns out I was being eaten by "green ants" right at that moment, I've never heard of a green ant but later told there is another ant that can really cause serious injury, a red ant perhaps ? Green Ants hurt.

This all on the first day, there is more and worse to follow in those 3 weeks.
Oh The spiders, dear God

 

[morph000]

heh another one..
Bogan (added to our vocabulary only recently)is the Oz equivalent of a redneck.
Easy to spot though :lol:

We have lots of pettable wildlife, like these :lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNEeq5qGh8I

 

[morph000]

I laughed, he carried on, "they come up this far ya know", I didn't know but by then my arm was hurting so much I didn't care, it turns out I was being eaten by "green ants" right at that moment, I've never heard of a green ant but later told there is another ant that can really cause serious injury, a red ant perhaps ? Green Ants hurt.

This all on the first day, there is more and worse to follow in those 3 weeks.
Oh The spiders, dear God

Forget green ants - the world's deadliest ant is here too called the Jack Jumper, and where I am they are into the billions. Been bitten countless times but fortunately I'm not sensitive to their poison
Sooner be bitten by a snake though - hurts less :twisted:

 

[Guipago]

Compaired to the Taipan & King brown the Death-adder is a ***** cat, you have to step on it to get bit, the other 2 are just plain nasty when aroused & if they think there under attack can decide to chase you & give multiple full venom strikes, if your not close to a hospital, wellll-------relisten to video, on the other hand the Black snake's venom is said to be more toxic, but generally only wacks you once & can control the amout of venom it inserts(until aroused)
Sooo whose coming to Australia! Cummon, luverly place!

 

[Happyflyer]

Morph000,
As soon as I win the lottery I will look you up and you can guide me around your "BIG" island. That way I will be safe from all the bad things there.

 

[fastsmiles]

So what are "yonnies in the wind?" Heard it on the Men at Work album

 

[aggiesrwe03]

Call me when yall have sharknados...

 

[morph000]

Sharknados ? Sorta like Nachos aren't they ?

A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."

The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".

"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.

"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

"You there Boss?"

 

[Happyflyer]

Oh The spiders, dear God

Spiders!!! :shock: You got spiders there?
On second thought, I'm not coming........
.
.
.
Good giggle there morph000.
After I win the lottery Australia will be the second place I visit. London will be the first.